as this year is beginning there was such a great vision of this great grandeur but there are already obstacles coming up.. but we pulled through it and hit it hard and to me it was still success even though not as planned.

the first week of school was overwhelming with the classes and school making me so tired. i don't even have time to hang out.. can you believe it? oh well, i think that is for the best. i am starting to feel different about things this year and am having second thoughts.

this house is like a trap.. a curse. last year i would be one of the ones that were always over but now that i am one of the residents there are new people that come and stay over. i just find it funny how this house always has guests. despite the shittyness of the house people feel welcomed here or something.

everytime.. i just want to keep drinking.. and drinking.. and drinking.. so i don't think so much about it. but i actually think more because i try to hold myself back from doing something i will regret. i try to hold myself from saying the things i shouldn't say. i try to hold what i feel what i shouldn't feel because i might do something i will regret. but why do i feel this certain way everytime

hello, all.. i am sorry to disappoint all of my readers for not updating.. i've been busy.. and by readers i mean tony who stalks me.. jk.

summer is coming to an end and it really hasn't felt like it has started for me. everything feels so unreal to me. i don't really know how to explain it. i find myself seeming like i have a good time or laughing or something but then i can see myself doing it.. its kind of like a mellow "me" looking at myself in a video.. yeah.. its hard to explain.

i haven't been doing much lately.. just working.. go home and wander and go to taiko house and sit around drink some beers so i can sleep at night. i shouldn't go to the house too much but i do because its kind of lonely/scary sleeping alone at my place.

yesterday i went to dallas for a trip. it was alright..

i find myself wanting something. but i try to avoid it. i try to play it off.. like i dont care.. but i want that same comfort.. and familiarity. the carefree laughter when there's nothing in the back of my head triggering guilt.i try to run away but for some reason it chases me.. and it hits me so hard. what do i really want? or do i stay with what i think i need? i find myself so annoying.. all this bothersome shit. i find myself wanting it so bad.. its so complicated. i dont want to run away from this.. something i want to chase after.. but then there is something i can't let go. i hate myself for being this way.. i'm apologize for my horrible writing. i feel really stupid lately. i just don't know how to express myself correctly. even when i try to share my feelings with someone i can't do it successfully because i can't find myself telling everything. i find myself still holding back on so much no matter how close the person is to me. that's why its just so much easier to keep everything inside.. i think i will keep this inside. until i figure it out. and i will let you know..

you're mean more than you think

21-2=19

nothing happen much lately.. just working at bookstore and stuff.. my birthday was a couple days ago. i didn't really do anything special. i went on a date on saturday and drank very minimal sunday night. its cool, though.. maybe i will get a party next year. i just want to drink with everyone i know

today during work i received a phone call from my dad.. he left a voice msg and i called back. he said my grandmother passed way (maternal) and that my mom will be flying to vietnam tomorrow.. she originally planned to go sept to visit my grandma because she was ill.. i can't say i'm terribly depressed or anything but my eyes felt teary during work and i began to reminisce.. there was a time in my life where my grandparents basically raised my brother and i up.. well there's a lot to remember but i do really miss her and i didn't get to see her again like i told her last summer when i was in vietnam

i can drive a car with no steering wheel.. with no steering wheel

well i got my first ticket today.. i've had citations from OU and cited for parking next to fire hydrant and stuff.. but this my first actual ticket.. like got pulled over. its gay.. cause my license tag thing is almost 5 months overdue or whatever.. the cop said he has the right to tow if its 3 months over but he said i probably need my car for work and school.. so i got till oct 3 to pay $206.50.. bleh

i was suppose to stay in norman tonight but my dad is going to get my new tag and i'll be at my temp job.. norman tomorrow!