hello, all.. i am sorry to disappoint all of my readers for not updating.. i've been busy.. and by readers i mean tony who stalks me.. jk.

summer is coming to an end and it really hasn't felt like it has started for me. everything feels so unreal to me. i don't really know how to explain it. i find myself seeming like i have a good time or laughing or something but then i can see myself doing it.. its kind of like a mellow "me" looking at myself in a video.. yeah.. its hard to explain.

i haven't been doing much lately.. just working.. go home and wander and go to taiko house and sit around drink some beers so i can sleep at night. i shouldn't go to the house too much but i do because its kind of lonely/scary sleeping alone at my place.

yesterday i went to dallas for a trip. it was alright..

i find myself wanting something. but i try to avoid it. i try to play it off.. like i dont care.. but i want that same comfort.. and familiarity. the carefree laughter when there's nothing in the back of my head triggering guilt.i try to run away but for some reason it chases me.. and it hits me so hard. what do i really want? or do i stay with what i think i need? i find myself so annoying.. all this bothersome shit. i find myself wanting it so bad.. its so complicated. i dont want to run away from this.. something i want to chase after.. but then there is something i can't let go. i hate myself for being this way.. i'm apologize for my horrible writing. i feel really stupid lately. i just don't know how to express myself correctly. even when i try to share my feelings with someone i can't do it successfully because i can't find myself telling everything. i find myself still holding back on so much no matter how close the person is to me. that's why its just so much easier to keep everything inside.. i think i will keep this inside. until i figure it out. and i will let you know..

you're mean more than you think