saying goodbye is inevitable, isn't it?

i watched shutter (american version) the other night with my friend. it wasn't as scary as the original, maybe because i already knew certain scenes, as the story and events pretty much mirrored the original. it wasnt as creepy or scary, just the way the film was put together, i guess. it didn't seem as eerie or gritty. my friend was still scared and creeped out, though!

today i went and watch marley and me with paulinna. its not a great movie, but its pretty cute and some good laughs. its especially good for dog lovers. it was pretty weird at the beginning of the movie, the preview for bride wars was upside down and going backwards.. eerie.

today i watched troy, just to realize that i have already seen it. i was trying to spot the part where there was an airplane in the sky because my friend told me the other day that that was one of the mistakes or whatever of the movie and thought it was interesting. i didn't spot the plane.

so this morning (actually morning of Monday, dec 29th), my dad's friend and his family went home. i woke up early and sent them to the airport and said the goodbyes. the night before as i was taking my friend, (the daughter) somewhere, she was telling me of he stories her dad old her about our dads. it was quite interesting. anyways, its kind of sad when they left. goodbyes are always pretty tough for me. they seem to be some of the coolest and fun people to be with. my dad's friend was the first grown asian man to shake my hand. i've always wondered when i would be greeted with a handshake from a grown vietnamese man, instead of greeting them the standard way a young vietnamese kid would gree a grown up. its also kind of sad that my friend cindy and i didnt talk much, or pretty much at all until the last night we spent with each other. i had a feeling i was going to be that way and i was going to regret it, but i'm still glad i got to know her a little better than not at all, i guess.

anyways, i think our family is visiting them in the summer in maryland, so i can have more time to get to know their family a lot more. that should be fun/interesting and i look forward to it. i'm excited for the summer, but that just means i have to get through the spring semester! i'm still on winter break but i'm dreading school already!! new year's is coming up and i think i've got some resolutions. the thing is i've never had resolutions. for new years i think i'll be going to the taiko house. i dont really want to but because is binh's birthday, i probably will stop by. until next time!

you're every line, you're every word

i hope everyone had a wonderful christmas, and that your break is awesome. my break is okay, and christmas is just like any other day, really. i'm not being a grinch or anything, but thats just how its always been. i'm grateful for the break, though and enjoying it thoroughly. my dad's friend and his family from maryland is spending their christmas with us. they have a daughter that i'm trying to keep company but i'm pretty horrible at entertaining or even talking to people, especially someone i just met. i'm trying, though.

so i watched 27 dresses and what happens in vegas. 27 dresses is just okay, and what happens in vegas i actually enjoyed. i'm done with chick flicks for a while, so i rented some "manly" movies, at least manlier. i have the dark knight and die hard on blu-ray. i also rented gladiator, alexander, troy, and eurotrip, because it was only like .50 to rent and i never seen it before.

so i watched gladiator, and as i expected, it was a great movie. i've seen like 10 min of it online before, but i'm glad to be able to watch the whole thing on DVD. the movie is inspiring. i watched alexander the great, the one with the colin guy, i think. it was kind of disappointing. the vibe i received from the movie was that alexander wasn't that great. all of the gay stuff that the movie put alexander made me want to turn it off. this "manly" movie turned out not too manly at all.

on christmas night, i watched the curious case of Benjamin button with some friends. i wanted to watch it from reading the plot and with the brad pitt hype, so i was pretty satisfied being able to go. it was a wonderful movie, despite it lasting 3 hours. i found a couple parts of the film to be quite moving and almost teared up. not really. its a great movie! brad pitt was pretty good looking, thats a plus for the ladies. there was a quote i remember from the movie: "you are meant to lose the people you love. that's how you know how much they meant to you" or something along those lines.

today i went to the mall with my friend from maryland and my brother. the mall was really crowded because of the sales or whatever. my friend wanted to rent a scary movie so we went and rented the happening. hmm.. i didn't like the movie much. i found it.. weird. later i watched hancock with my brother. it wasn't as bad as i've heard from people.

i'm also reading twilight. its pretty interesting so far, i just wished it wasnt first person narrative of a teenage girl. oh well, i guess thats what makes it good.

please don't feel bad. its really not you. its me

slow dancing in a burning room

i was debating whether if i wanted to keep blogging in this thing because apparently quite a few people read this thing. i like writing or whatever so whoever that is reading this should feel fortunate because this is probably the most i reveal to anybody about my superstar life!

anyways, i'll sum up the last couple days or week or whatever. i went to akdphi installs/lambdas formals. i was sober the whole night until the end when i took a couple shots of 151 within minutes. it was so crazy, i felt my life flashing before my eyes. Just kidding, but my body started going down real quick. i left pad thai and then i pissed outside, i hope no one saw. cing took me home and bought me some chalupas. we were at the drive-in and cing was complimenting how i didn't throw up that night and then i opened the door and threw up at the drive-in! lol cing took me home and didn't leave until i fell asleep.

i realized i have like the best littles ever. chris bui has this understanding of me. when i ask anything of him he never hesitates to do it. we have the same interest when it comes to drinking and things like that. we're beginning to learn more about each other more. he knows that i like steak chalupas from taco bell, especially after i drink. there was something yesterday that surprised me and made me feel good inside. during the thanksgiving dinner with phi d, we had these name tags we wore with our names. i wrote a name tag for him that said 'tan is my favorite big' and annie (his other big) took it off and threw it away. he put it back on later. last night annie and chris were sitting next to each other and i came over and annie said something big and little something. later chris bui opened his wallet and showed me he still had that name tag from thanksgiving! hehe how sweet, huh?

cing is so cool because she's so funny and unique. she always has something to say or whatever and it just makes me feel really happy inside. she's awesome because she takes care of me when i'm drunk. what more can i ask for? she is also really to talk to about girl problems and stuff. she has a lot of insight and seems pretty knowledgeable about relationship stuff.

this semester has gone by so quick. its really weird because as we grow older the time goes by faster. when i was younger i used to look forward to things, although it may be small things. i can't say this semester was the greatest semester ever but i'm kind of glad happen the way they do. i've met so many new people that are so cool, which are pretty much the new taikos and phi d girls. its kind of bittersweet because it makes me feel that my time is over and i am starting to feel old now, although i'm only 19. i also had some goals this semester that were going really well but three fourths the way i neglected these goals and lost complete focus. i've also began picking up some really bad habits, and i can somewhat feel them contributing to my declining health in the long run. i'm not crazy about anything because i can control when i still do these certain things. hmm maybe new year's resolutions?

things are the way they are simply because there is a reason. i think if you knew things you would understand me and the things i do a little more. i do admit the things i do sometimes may seem immature or selfish. its something i've been struggling with for quite a while and i don't see any end to it soon. sometimes moving on is really hard, when you're a loyal person. i wish i could control the things i feel and the circumstances i'm in but sometimes situations are out of hand and feelings/emotions are just something thats almost impossible for me to control, although i'm pretty good at keeping it inside, it doesn't mean i don't feel it. sometimes its hard to express things; but i really do care for you.

now i'm just at home enjoying my break, which is all i could ask for. although life is going by pretty quick at this point and sometimes you wish you could stop time, this break is probably the next best thing. just to slow things down a little, reflect, and invest some time into things i couldnt do otherwise. some plans i do have include christmas shopping (which i havent even began yet!!!!), which also means i have to wrap these gifts, gah. i'm probably going to dallas the weekend of christmas with my family, my parents friends and her daughter. i also plan to read twilight, which seems gay huh. i'm also going to be watching movies, preferably romantic comedies because that's my favorite genre.

yesterday i rented four movies from family video. i rented the american rendition of my sassy girl, made of honor, 27 dresses, and what happens in vegas. i watched my sassy girl and made of honor last night and might watch the other 2 tonight. i was hesitant to get my sassy girl, but i got it only because it was a free rental. family video is a really cool place to rent movies. its cheaper than blockbuster! and plus new members get half off rentals for 30 days. AND lets say you had a member ship in norman (like me) and your 30 days ran out, you go to mustang family video and its a complete new membership, so you can get 30 days more of discount! perfect for me because of break, and i plan to watch a lot of movies.

anyways, i watched my sassy girl, and of course i didn't like it as much as the original. i didn't find myself hating it or anything possibly because some scenes it tried to copy scene for scene from the original. for instance, the guy saved the girl from the train, taking her home, the line game with the right or left foot, the piano playing of pachebels canon, and stuff like that. honestly, i didnt like the movie much. i felt kind of awkward watching it.

as for made of honor, i actually liked it. it wasn't bad..

so i'll be home a lot this break, and if you feel like if you want to watch a movie or play ps3 games with me, then give me a call!

btw, i kinda sorta miss you.

this year i received a little sister. i think i'm really fortunate to have a little sister, especially someone like her. her personality is so fun and she always makes me smile or laugh when i'm around her. if i ever had a real little sister, i wouldn't mind someone like her. i feel like i can tell her a lot of things that i can't tell anyone else and i'm so glad for that. i may not mean anything to her but just a single conversation or hanging out with her means so much to me. she probably doesn't know that i think of her like this. don't let her know, though. her head might get too big! 

am i a good person? decent, at least? am i likable? maybe not, 

just because i may be "expressionless" does not mean i am "emotionless"

what the hell am i doing? no girl is worth any of this shit

i can prevent this from going any further

for real this time, i will avoid you

and slowly fade away

i think its about time i need to talk to someone.. someone that can help and make me feel better.

i love this song. its put your head on my shoulder by michael buble. back home in mustang at my house we have this balcony thing that faces the backyard and you can look into the night sky. when i listen to this song i imagine my special someone and i having candle lit dinner at night. my christmas lights are wrapped around the balcony and turned on. it won't be too cold, and not windy at all. it will start to lightly snow and the sky is clear, the stars are bright and the moon is dreamy and then we will dance slowly and her head will lay on my shoulder.. its a lovely song!

if i die tomorrow, bury me in black with a red tie, go party like a taiko and take a shot for me

so friday was our taiko house party. well first of all, friday. i woke up receiving a phone call with someone asking me to do something that was going to take the whole day. i was to take some of the kappas to skydiving training because one couldnt go saturday in time for the training. so i obliged and fortunately CT was going with me otherwise i wouldn't know the way. we were supposed to leave around 2:30 but didn't leave until 4:30 i think. we were eating in the union and then took lukes car and it overheated or something so we had to come back and switch cars.

the car ride was somewhat interesting. we managed to arrive at cushing by 6 o'clock. we saw waz there and he gave the kappas a very quick training session. it lasted about an hour and a half, i think? on the way home we stopped by mcdonalds and ate some food. we arrived in norman at about 10ish. i went home and changed and stuff and then headed to the house. i was kind of disappointed because i had plans with my little that night to come up with a punch thing for the party but we couldnt because we went to cushing.

anyways, i was impressed with what was going on at the taiko house. it was fairly early so there weren't any people over yet. some of the brothers and the kohai were preparing for the party. we had the omega red sign being fixed and i saw the lights in the house. there were more decorations on the walls. i like how the house is falling together nicely. we had a nice patrolling and shuttling system that worked out nicely. its nice hearing compliments on that. we also received compliments on our bar, too.

at around midnight or 1 people began coming it. the house was pretty packed. something i really liked about the night was how the gender ratio was. usually you go to a party and theres like a male to female ratio of about 3:1 or something but that night it was literally the other way around! or at least it seemed that way because the only people that were dancing were girls! i think its better that way because my theory is i think girls like dancing within themselves because theyre out to have fun with their own girlfriends, or whatever. i tried dancing that night but i was caught up in drinking. i usually don't have the confidence to dance unless i have a certain amount of alcohol in my system. to hit that certain "good feeling", you have to drink a very careful and certain amount, otherwise you might still be too sober or might be drunk, and you won't be having a good time but might be loud, obnoxious, or whatever.

when i was dancing i didnt reach my "good point" so i went to drink some more but i didnt realize that i had passed the point i was aiming for so i never went back to dance. the thing about me and dancing is i don't like it that much. i feel like after a year or plus of college and tko, i think i have the confidence to dance with any girl, even if it takes a certain amount of alcohol in my system. what i've been struggling is there is only one girl i care for, but no matter what i drink or what environment it is, i don't have the confidence to dance with her. no matter how "good" my alcohol level is, or even how confident or loose i am that night, i can't do it.

ironically, at every party during the party, i try to avoid and ignore her. i don't even have the confidence to say anything. i avoid eye contact, and even sometimes i may even seem like a jackass trying to ignore her. its not that i don't want to talk to her or even work my "game", but i don't want to say anything stupid that i might regret the next day. this is a girl that i try to impress or whatever, which i know i don't have to impress anyone, but i can't help it. even though i usually drink a lot and get shit faced, i don't think i ever lost my cool. i never really got angry or emotional. the thing is i think if i were to ever talk or communicate with this certain girl in any way, i might lose my cool or even getting emotional or something. when i am drunk, i notice little things too easily and overanalyze too much.

anyways, another point i want to make is i smoke only on occasion. it was something i began to do during a low point in my life, yes it was stupid but i don't think i have any addiction. i don't smoke packs of cigarettes a day. i smoke only at some parties, and its usually when i hit a certain alcohol level in my system. there are only parties (that i'm invited to) about once in a month or two, and i don't even smoke at every party. i smoke about 2 or 3 black and milds and/or primetimes or stuff like that. i think when i smoke at a party its more like a "checkpoint". its when i think to myself and analyze what happened in the night up to thus far. its when i realize how sober i am and if there is anything i need to do, and try to remember how much i drink and stuff. its also a thing that my big and i do. smoking may be somewhat the result of my emotional being, but not all a bad thing!

there was something about this party that i tried that was new. no, its not drugs but i kept a list of what i drank that night. its pretty stupid if you see a guy writing down on a piece of paper after he drinks something. i did it to keep track of what i drink, because the past parties i got shitfaced and don't remember anything i drank. i think this drink list thing was a pretty good idea until i lost the pen at some point in the night.. hahah. anyways, here is my list:

1 effen black cherry thing
1 grey goose w/lil sis cing
1 soco and lime w/big tiep
1 soco and lime w/lil bro chris bui
1 effen
3 delta punch
1 shot of something
2 parrot bay
1 jello shot w/ li2z and her sisters
1 TKO shot (??)
1 crown with the homies
1 beer from keg
1 root beer (??) i later figured it was crown and root beer

thats all i have up until i lost my pen. i also made this list because there are always people saying they drank so much at a party but they seem completely fine. people say stuff like "yeah, i had 15 shots and i'm completely fine" that sounds kind of bullshit to me. this is also something that is kind of proof, but has flaws in itself. for instance, i could just add and write shit down that i didnt really drink. to fix those flaws in this system i could have the "bartender" or whoever i'm taking a shot with sign my paper and write down who i took it with or whatever and maybe even put down the time. that sounds like a lot of trouble but i might do that the next time i drink.

another thing relating to the party. if you are not a TAIKO, please keep our fucking warcry out of your motherfucking mouth. i know you love Tau Kappa Omega because we are the shit and throw bad ass parties but don't yelling our fucking warcry at YOUR party, or our party. we wouldn't go around saying your shit, and i don't think you would appreciate it either.

i did end up throwing up at the end of the night but i think it was because i was eating a chalupa. i think i would've been fine if i didnt eat the chalupa. later i ate another chalupa and threw up again too. i admit i was pretty drunk, though. a good thing about me is i only get really fucked up and throw up at the end or after a party is over, not during the party, so thumbs up for that!

the next morning i woke up on the couch under the TKO seal with a chalupa in my arms. i think i was sleeping awkwardly but i woke up to johnny's voice telling me to wake up. it was about 10am. he took me home so i could shower and stuff because i was.. dirty. after that, we met up at the taiko house again and waited for the rest of the people to come so we could leave to cushing to watch the kappas jump.

i rode in chris bui's truck but slept most of the time so yeah. we reached cushing and then went to the KFC buffet. man it was good but i wasn't feeling well because of a slight hangover that i had from the previous night. we later went back to the place so they could complete their training. it seemed to go by so quick because before i knew it, they were jumping. to my surprise, chris bui was going to be the first to jump. i was the first to jump in my class so it kind of made me happy. so we went out to watch them jump and chris bui came out of a plane, then floated, then he landed on his feet. cool, huh? anyways, thats all that matters. we went back to the taiko house to watch the OU football game.

saturday night we just watched the game and then have some birthday spankings and then drinking games and some singing and football throwing and stuff like that. I stayed up until like 5 or 6. I slept at the taiko house even though i didnt want to. i woke up around noon but kept sleeping and didnt really leave until like 4. chris bui and tim were over for something. so now i'm at my place and really hungry. i think i will go to the union and hang out with charlie because he can always put a smile on my face. i'm also goingn to buy some taco bell too.

sometimes i feel like i care too much when i need to care for myself more. i think its really time, that i give up. i'm not getting anything in return. i don't feel appreciated. sometimes you don't even see me. i just thought we were closer than this but its okay. who cares what i think. "thanks" is all i ever get. "thanks" is just a word. well, here you go. "thanks".

what were your intentions? what are your intentions? WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING MOTIVE??!!
why do i always fall for it.
what do i have that you pry for, what do i have that you corner me to a cliff, you leave me hanging, and as i'm about to let go, i look at you with my eyes, clearly asking you to help but i still can't say a word, then you pull me up, and i am at your mercy
please, kindly let me go
i am so close. i am so close to letting everything go.


i'd love you, if you let me.