things ive learned

things she like:

food-lots of it
massages
stay home and watch movies/tv
definitely sleeping in
thai tea
certain sushi rolls
big dogs/huskies
a certain little pug
toms
playing cooking mama
surprises
a lot of attention
texting and phone calls
holding hands
kissing
calling her sweet names
laugh
talk in funny accent
on her macbook watching makeup youtube videos

and more

"it was just a dream, a moment ago."

can't sleep. only thing worse is if you're able to fall asleep, you wake up and realize its reality and the problems are still there and what you need most is gone.

long day at work today i predict.

and this girl was no different from the last. she always thinks i don't love her, when the truth is she means the world to me. someday someone will believe me

"I'm scared that every girl i care for will find a better man and end up happier in the long run"

i like my other blog but i like to make this one for my more real, deeper feelings and opinions and my tumblr will be for different kind of expression of myself.

yesterday partied. whatever.

right now i am just sitting at home in mustang, on this leather couch as rocky is running around.
being a dog is simple. as long as you have a loving family then your life is pretty set. as long as you show some sort of love towards a dog, he will love you back unconditionally. even bad dog owners that neglect and abuse their dogs are still loved by their dogs.

i guess comparing the love of a dog and a human, which one would you rather have? i can spend time playing with my dog, feed him, holding him and he will love me forever. the love of a human, i can spend all my time with you, all my thought and emotions are with you, and yet i cannot still feel loved. yet all of this, we (humans) still yearn for the love of another human.

i was at work the other day and my ex came in with her boyfriend. i don't miss for her or care for her much but i'm just writing about it because it was an awkward moment. i only have like one or two exes so its not like i run into these situations all that much. i am never sure what i should or shouldn't do because i'm not at all that familiar.

the thing is i've run into them before but this was a situation where they had to talk to me. i've always thought i should be the "bigger" person and say hi. i've always said hi to her but there are times she tries to avoid me. it used to "hurt" because i felt like there was an obligation, or because of an old promise. a promise that we'd still be friends or whatever.

when i found out she was dating someone else i was very nice and accepting about it, maybe because my feelings weren't for her anymore but i take human relations very personally. i just feel like i'm a genuinely a nice person and if i say hi to you even though its awkward, i tried my best for it to not be awkward and you should appreciate it. or maybe, just maybe, its hard for you to look at me because you sure knew you were wrong or maybe you felt guilty? i don't know.

well that's enough talking about that. i was just saying all this because i feel like it will lead to what i want to talk about next.

how can a person be with someone so much but yet have so many questions to ask? its like we are physically together but yet.. idk. in all my relationships i've always had a similar problem. there was always something i wanted to know but i never found out. i find myself asking her something and she would answer "i don't know", or "sorry".

i'm sorry you feel so cold because of me. i've always thought of myself as a nice guy, or at least i wanted to be. i think the worst thing i could do you is not break your heart, but made you bitter and not like someone else. i think thats worse than directly hurting someone. making a person hurt another or each other because i was the reason is something that is hard for me to forgive myself for.

last night i realized something that i'm not sure i want to know. i realized how much that i care for you, and how that i worry about you. knowing this i know its going to be harder in the future. i feel like i foresee something. i've always had a sixth sense about relations. i just have a feeling and i hope that i'm so wrong.

there's always a thing about me and girls. in relationships its always sweet and nice in the beginning but i tend to mess up. i mess up and the girl gets tired of it and then i try to fix it. i then realize too late how much the girl means but the girl is tired of me.

to my future relationships, i'll try not to mess up but i probably will. if i do, please don't give up on me. it just take's me a while to realize

check out my new blog at tumblr

"i am the last thing she sees before she falls asleep
i am the first thing she sees when she wakes up in the morning
but between these moments she is dreaming of another man
and any other time that she is awake, she is thinking of him"

i am now home in mustang. i just got home from phi delta alpha's founders' day and now laying in bed listening to 'so cold' by chris brown. since last week i've listened to it 1000+ times.

phi dee's founders' day was enjoyable. it was my first time going because i was asked as a date (tiffany tran's) and it was a good first experience. although she was head of the committee, i wasn't lonely at all and enjoyed most of the night. after the agenda was completed something incredible happened. this guy got on one knee and proposed to one of the phi dee founders. it was such an unreal moment. i've never witnessed a proposal. makes me wonder.. haha

i've just been living one day at a time. sometimes its hard. sometimes its not bad. i have to carry on and just know that one day everything will be okay. i finally made it to the weekend and i got to hang out with her. i enjoyed every moment of it. i still have mixed feelings because we just broke up so i'm not sure if i'm ready for just being friends but i can say that she's a really great and caring person. i feel like she's sincere when she says she cares about me a lot and still loves me.

i'm trying. even though i wished it didnt happen, but it did and we are making the best of it. if we didn't split, i wouldnt realize how much she meant to me. it seems now we are learning so much about each other and i'm learning more about myself. i'm glad we're going to try to be here for each other and get through this. somewhere along the road, whether we end up together again or not (hopefully we do), we will be okay and happy again.

i am still far from happy or content because i am still struggling. all this drama stuff makes me want to leave. why can't we just all get along and have fun? its college and we just have to appreciate each other. a fraternity and sorority always says they promote "asian awareness" or "social networking". you're not keeping your word if are keeping another group with the same goals down. if you are promoting asian awareness, if you're not helping the other organization out, you should definiately not try to bring them down. if you want to promote social networking, shutting out groups and having "drama" and things like that isn't going to help. life is a lot easier to live when you don't waste your energy hating on people.

now waiting.. for something. the alcohol is only temporary and waiting for that forever escape and happiness.

you don't know what the future beholds yet, so do you really know its for the better? what you can do is be a friend to me right now and say, "make the best of what you have right now" and just be there for me. that's all i need. don't tell me i didn't try because you were too stupid to see

i stay up all night thinking, and thinking. when i wake up i don't want to get up. i watch this ceiling fan keep spinning and spinning as this song i keep putting on repeat and keeps replaying.

all this isn't even just about a girl. its just everything that i'm going through. just everything and she was my only lifeline, she was my thread to this sanity and it just made everything crash down like these icicles from this cold and lonely house.

".. its so cold without her.. so cold without her" and again i lay in a cold place. and again, the only thing keeping me warm at night is this overheating laptop i keep on all night because i keep putting this song on repeat.

i don't want your pity. i don't want too much attention. i just want to know you were even worth defending for when you didn't know it.

So Cold

Damn, I want my baby back
It's so cold without her
Cold without her
She's gone
Now I'm alone, no one to hold on
Cause she was the only one
And I know I was dead wrong
But if you youuuu
If youuu
See her sooonn
Ask her will she forgive me

If you ever see her
If you ever meet her
If you ever get a chance to sit down, talk to her
Then tell her it's so cold
It's so cold, it's so cold
Here without her
And tell her I miss her
Tell her I need her
Tell her I want her
I really want her to come back home, back to keep me warm
Tell her I'm sorry, I'm really sorry
Can you forgive me?
Please forgive me
And come back home, keep me safe and warm

Now my baby's really gone
I don't know if she's coming home
My love's up, I fucked up
I know
Tell me what to do to get her back
Back where her heart belongs, been gone from me for way too long

So if youuu, seen my boo
Please can youuuu
Can you tell her for me

If you ever see her
If you ever meet her
If you ever get a chance to sit down and talk to her
Then tell her it's so cold
It's so cold, it's so cold
Here without her
And tell her I miss her
Tell her I need her
Tell her I want her
I really want her to come back home, back to keep me warm
Tell her I'm sorry, I'm really sorry
Can you forgive me?
Please forgive me
And come back home, keep me safe and warm

All them girls across the world
You know you gotta be my girl
All them girls across the world
You know you gotta be my girl
All them girls across the


You know you gotta be my girl
All them girls across the world
You know you gotta be my girl
All them girls across the world
You know you gotta be my girl

If you ever see her
If you ever meet her
If you ever get a chance to sit down and talk to her
Let her know it's so cold
It's so cold, it's so cold
Without her

i have to get over this some way, somehow.

some friend you are.

wow last night was crazy

what do i do now. i feel like i want to give up on life. i've sunken lower than ever before. someone save me

trick ass hoes