"i am the last thing she sees before she falls asleep
i am the first thing she sees when she wakes up in the morning
but between these moments she is dreaming of another man
and any other time that she is awake, she is thinking of him"

i am now home in mustang. i just got home from phi delta alpha's founders' day and now laying in bed listening to 'so cold' by chris brown. since last week i've listened to it 1000+ times.

phi dee's founders' day was enjoyable. it was my first time going because i was asked as a date (tiffany tran's) and it was a good first experience. although she was head of the committee, i wasn't lonely at all and enjoyed most of the night. after the agenda was completed something incredible happened. this guy got on one knee and proposed to one of the phi dee founders. it was such an unreal moment. i've never witnessed a proposal. makes me wonder.. haha

i've just been living one day at a time. sometimes its hard. sometimes its not bad. i have to carry on and just know that one day everything will be okay. i finally made it to the weekend and i got to hang out with her. i enjoyed every moment of it. i still have mixed feelings because we just broke up so i'm not sure if i'm ready for just being friends but i can say that she's a really great and caring person. i feel like she's sincere when she says she cares about me a lot and still loves me.

i'm trying. even though i wished it didnt happen, but it did and we are making the best of it. if we didn't split, i wouldnt realize how much she meant to me. it seems now we are learning so much about each other and i'm learning more about myself. i'm glad we're going to try to be here for each other and get through this. somewhere along the road, whether we end up together again or not (hopefully we do), we will be okay and happy again.

i am still far from happy or content because i am still struggling. all this drama stuff makes me want to leave. why can't we just all get along and have fun? its college and we just have to appreciate each other. a fraternity and sorority always says they promote "asian awareness" or "social networking". you're not keeping your word if are keeping another group with the same goals down. if you are promoting asian awareness, if you're not helping the other organization out, you should definiately not try to bring them down. if you want to promote social networking, shutting out groups and having "drama" and things like that isn't going to help. life is a lot easier to live when you don't waste your energy hating on people.

now waiting.. for something. the alcohol is only temporary and waiting for that forever escape and happiness.

you don't know what the future beholds yet, so do you really know its for the better? what you can do is be a friend to me right now and say, "make the best of what you have right now" and just be there for me. that's all i need. don't tell me i didn't try because you were too stupid to see

i stay up all night thinking, and thinking. when i wake up i don't want to get up. i watch this ceiling fan keep spinning and spinning as this song i keep putting on repeat and keeps replaying.

all this isn't even just about a girl. its just everything that i'm going through. just everything and she was my only lifeline, she was my thread to this sanity and it just made everything crash down like these icicles from this cold and lonely house.

".. its so cold without her.. so cold without her" and again i lay in a cold place. and again, the only thing keeping me warm at night is this overheating laptop i keep on all night because i keep putting this song on repeat.

i don't want your pity. i don't want too much attention. i just want to know you were even worth defending for when you didn't know it.