this sake taste pretty shitty, but it sure does warm the spirits!

Hi, I'm Tan. I was born in Oklahoma City on August 10th, 1989. I weighed a little over 8 lbs to a happy couple that finally reached the United States in 1988 after staying in a refuge in Malaysia and Phillipines. I grew up in Oklahoma City until about the age of five, when I moved to Yukon. Growing up I was known to be pretty smart but very quiet and timid. I was usually picked on. I tried to practice some sense of humor so I could have some kind of friends so I could feel like I belong. Even at home I did not receive much attention because my parents were always busy working. I occasionally got in trouble for talking a lot at school because I yearn for attention.

My parents finally had another child. This child was my brother. He received great attention. He was good looking, he was born on the right year, at the right time. He brought fortune and prosperity to the family because the books said so and because of ancient Chinese beliefs. I was an accident adding to the fact I could not help that I was born when I was born. I could not determine what to bring to the family. All that I knew was I brought unfortunate events and bad things to the family, according to my parents.

I grew up being scolded for everything and never got anything right. I always wanted to belong somewhere but I did hang out with the right friends in high school. They weren't bad or anything. Although they might have done bad things I was never influenced because I had the family name and reputation to maintain.

Through high school I was in and out of a relationship that lasts till who knows and I've matured so much. I should've never gotten into the relationship now that I think about it. I finally graduated high school and my parents were disappointed in me. They scolded me for not being the best and being the slacker I am. No one is more disappointed than I am.

College began and I am still in and out of this relationship that I hate at times. Why am I still in this relationship one might ask. I value relationships of any kind and I have a loyalty that I feel obligated to the other. I am emotionally attached and I am sorry I cannot help it. I try my best to improve relationships.

What I am trying to say is I can type all of this in like 5 minutes but I doubt anyone in my life even knew nearly all of this. This person I've been in a relationship doesn't even know enough about me to probably even type up a page of anything. This is pretty stupid but this is probably proving to myself that this person doesn't even know me and probably never really wanted to know me or understand me. It is probably my fault that I am not a talker but it is fine.

I've been trying to be happier and more optimistic this semester but it's so hard. Do you know that feeling when you lose something you just keep losing stuff? I lost my scholarship money this semester that I was so dependent on. I finally got over it because it is just money afterall. I recently got a job to cover that problem but there are still problems. I lose my treasured necklace my dad bought for me in Vietnam. I recently lost probably the most important friend/friendship/relationship of my life as of now and Tuesday I lost my phone. Some of these things scale differently but it is still shitty how I try my best to forget the previous things and things just keep fucking pop out of no where.

Damn it, I am just so fucking.. want to let go of it all!!