closure is when the wound of the heart begins to heal

last night i was out with some of the guys to eat ihop. we were there until 4:30 in the morning. we talked about really interesting stuff. we talked about a great range of things but its always interesting. during the end of the time there we talked about something that made me realize i kind of want a girlfriend or be in a relationship, kind of. i'm nt saying i'm going to go out there and go on a mission and have to find one, but if a good opportunity comes up, i may strongly consider it. there is really nothing holding me back anymore. i don't have anymore shitty excuses.

i also did something last night, something pretty big. for about a year and a half now i've been lost, frustrated, stuck in the middle, and hesitant to reach for something i may have really wanted. last night i said the words that i feel like i needed to say, with some advice and encouragement from a certain girl, my little. for about a year and a half now i've been held back by merely memories, and not even someone that was there for me. i was held by something i wish would come back and recognize me but i think i finally confronted it and said i'm not waiting around for anything anymore and that i was over it. i feel lighter now, but i'm not sure if i said something i really meant. :/

everyone has flaws but i think i recently recognized one of my flaws. its a flaw that has to do with relations with the opposite sex. i feel really flattered when people compliment me or say something nice, and i take it quite seriously. some of the guys tell me that there are girls out there that think i'm "cute". i'm not sure what kind of "cute" they mean. is it a cute that would make me attractive or am i "cute" like an innocent bunny sitting in a garden eating a carrot on a 77 degree day? anyways, my flaw is that i really take the little things too seriously. i over analyze things and interpret them the wrong way.

for a while now i've been having a crush on this girl. its kind of funny because she makes me feel like when i was back in high school. i would look forward to seeing her and weird things i see throughout the day would remind me of her. when i am around her i get butterflies and catch myself glimpsing at her. i really want to talk to her more than i do but i get really nervous. anyways, she is a really nice girl but some small actions make me misinterpret them as signs that she might be interested in me, too. i guess this thinking of mine cause me to make me fall deeper in my infatuation or whatever. but the thing about me is when a girl does something nice for me i take it the wrong way and later thats just her personality and she treats everyone like that. i feel so embarassed and i never want to like a girl ever again because i don't know how to get girls, or express myself. the art of courtship is difficult.. i am a loser.

and yes, i was really upset because of what you did to me. i stayed up all night waiting for your text to find out you were with your "new" friends and then you didn't even reply to my text. i guess we are really better off as acquaintances.

maybe this feeling will go away.