LET IT GO, MAN

i think it was a bad decision staying home.. there's absolutely a lot of time wasting and sitting around. I try to stay sane by going out and playing basketball or soccer. I am kind of waiting for class to begin and hoping I get the Academy's job so I will be productive.

I think I have a lot of patience with things.. but I just don't fucking appreciate it when you say "fuck you" and verbally abuse me all the fucking time, especially for no fucking reason. Be considerate for once. Some people have feelings, too.

I don't know how much a person could have such an effect on another person that they pretty much pave the path for the other person. A lot of the things that a person can do for another goes unnoticed or just unappreciated.

How do I get accused of a sin that I did not do and all I do is mostly live for you? How does a person change so much in a single school year..? Actually, it didn't even take a whole school year.

Ah, yes I do feel guilty at times, but now i feel like i shouldn't. I don't really feel guilt for something or someone I shouldn't care about. I don't like putting out more than the other person likes to put out, therefore I keep to myself a lot.

I don't care if you go to your stupid school. I don't care if you go out of state. I don't care if you have new friends and they're super smart and cool and are bound to be more successful than me. I don't care if he's been there for you for the school year. Obviously you don't care I've been there for you all these years. I don't care if he's your new best friend. I don't care that your parents don't like me... Hey, I don't care. Goodbye..

I am going through so much right now. I am struggling just to go to freaking summer school at OCCC. I was happy at least I got to be home and maybe spend some time with you but it is fine. I really need that financial aid to come in for next fall so I can stay in Norman. This Mustang place is just a place I could so easily let go.

I am going through a lot of family difficulties, also. These are the reason I stay up tossing and turning. I have so much to live for but yet I am producing no results. I am letting people down. I slip from the road I am supposed to follow because something distracted me, something I thought was important to me.

When will I actually get a good sleep at night? I've done a great job of not turning to alcohol or smoking. I was glad I was sick so I had an excuse to stay up all night and drinking Robitussin and I thought it would make me at least drowsy but it doesn't.

As far for what I am to do now I will just go to school and try to work to keep myself busy. I will start going to temple on Sundays now. If any brothers are out there reading this, please call me up and ask me to hang out. I am in desperate need of company. All I need is a meal to spend with you. All I need is to see your face for a few minutes. Hell, all I need is to hear your voice.

Wish me luck.. I feel like it is a crucial time to start over on things or else I will fall too far behind. Anyways, I feel like there are too many people that read this and now that my entries get too personal. I didn't want to sound "emo". I just really have a lot of frustration and confusion and stuff.. I don't think I will be doing this blog thing anymore. I hate this.. I hate this..